All of us blushing-brides-to-be have been trying out guys' names since little girlhood. Using our "social studies" notebook to scribble the cutest boy in school's last name with ours, then crossing it out so no one would see what geeks we were. Well... little girl dreams aside, when its time to actually do it and take the plunge, things are not quite so simple.
Giving up the name you've always identified yourself with and adopting a completely strange name has many emotional implications as well as practical and legal implications. Whichever way you decide to go, just remember that the choice should be yours alone.
The family name
Let's Face Facts: Feminism and Germaine Greer are great coffeehouse topics, but society still expects you and your husband to have the same last name. Research indicates that 90 percent of Asian brides take it for granted that they will take their husband's last name when they marry. Indian women especially are conditioned from childhood to expect this change in their lives when they marry. So, at least convention-wise, taking his name will make your life easier, especially if you have children. You won't have to explain to that perfectly annoying stranger at the kids' school that you two really are Twinkle and Akash's parents -- and you are married -- even though your names are completely different.
Another potential upside of taking his name: It might be better than yours. If your family stubbornly hung on to Yuckwal for generations -- or your parents thought it would be cute to name you Satya Vachyani -- this is your opportunity for an upgrade.
Other pluses: No arguments over the name plate, easier monograms, less complicated dinner and hotel reservations, easier sharing of discount cards. Plus, it's kind of nice sharing a name with the man you love. There's something very "connecting" about it.
The flip side...
There are at least 6 percent women who don't plan to change their name at all. After all, you've had your name your whole life, you were born with it and it's pretty much your identity. Taking his name may feel like you're losing you -- as well as perhaps being unnecessary, overly traditional, and even sexist. The change may also mean friends and acquaintances won't recognize your name or know how to find you -- a good or bad thing, depending on who they are. Perhaps professionally you have made a name for yourself, and you sure do like the way it sounds when your assistant answers the phone "Ms. Mehra's office."
Maybe you're the last of your breed, and there are no future generations to bear the family crest, so you may want to ensure the family name lives on. And then, of course, the other factor is how his name sounds. Just as you may decide to ditch yours because his sounds better, you may want to keep yours if his doesn't suit. All the love in the world doesn't mean you have to be the butt of someone's jokes the rest of your life.
A word of warning:
Be prepared to be referred to as Mrs. Hislastname every once in a while. No matter how many people you inform that you are keeping your name, some traditionalists just wont oblige. Decide now how to handle this gracefully before you flip out at the first delivery of wedding invitations and holiday greetings addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Sanjeev Hislastname. Try not to let it get to you that they don't get it, or you'll spend your life correcting people.
From maiden to married name: A list of options
Some Options
Then again, compromise is the name of the game. There are a variety of name-change options to consider:
He takes yours: Sanjeev Malhotra marries Shalini Mehra and becomes Sanjeev Mehra. In India this isn't happening anytime soon unless your guy is a feminist orphan! It would be great for you but if he has friends he's likely to be teased about being henpecked.
Hyphenate:You add your husband's name to yours with a hyphen: Shalini Mehra becomes Shalini Mehra-Malhotra. For fairness and consistency, some couples both take the hyphenated name. This option lets you have the best of both worlds, but can be taxing on the tongue, hand, and even the ear, depending on the way they sound together. Also, consider what will happen to future generations if the trend continues. The English Aristocracy would have nothing on you.
Maiden name to middle: Shalini Suresh Mehra becomes Shalini Mehra Malhotra. So while to the world she is Mrs. Malhotra, she gets to hold onto her birth name too. This seems to be a popular choice. However, possible complications include 1) your parents already did that -- meaning your middle name is your mom's maiden name and you don't want to get rid of that one either, and 2) you'll still have to deal with all the practical downside of taking his name.
Professionally known as: Shalini Mehra legally becomes Shalini Malhotra but keeps her birth name at work. This can be a nice compromise: Socially you're known as a married couple but professionally you retain your identity.
New names for everyone: This is either a combo or something new altogether -- the pinnacle of fairness and compromise. Shalini Suresh Mehra and Sanjeev Govind Malhotra become Shalini and Sanjeev Mehrotra. If there's no good combination of your names, you could go for something that either has symbolic meaning, such as an ancestor's name or the name of the city where you met (Shalini and Sanjeev Mumbaikar), or something that just sounds good (Shalini and Sanjeev Gandhi). Don't forget to consider that this means you BOTH will have to go through all the practical and legal hassles of name change.
Whatever you decide, remember that being happy is what matters. What's in a name after all?
Also read about the Legal and Practical issues to be taken care of when you do decide to change your name.
